Wednesday, November 13, 2013

I Am, that I matter what! by Jessica Warren

After the diagnosis of Zayne's tumor, the next couple of weeks were pretty crazy…we went to 3 different doctors 3 different hospitals and got 3 different opinion’s. In-operable-operable…chemo-no chemo…losing vision-not losing vision. I was walking up the stairs to the neuro-opthamologist office holding Zayne’s hand. This was my last hope of not having to do chemo. Jake and I had done a lot of talking and praying. If this doctor says he isn’t losing sight then we were gonna wait 2 months and get another MRI done with no chemo. However if he did say he was losing sight then we were headed to Devoss the next week to put a port in. The doctor got done with his exam. I told myself what he was going to say. I was BELIEVING everything was going to be fine…so fine that I went to this appointment without my husband. The news would be good!! The doctor looked at me and began telling me what he had seen on the initial MRI. I was trying to pay attention and deal with my tired little boy at the same time. The doctor was amazing. He had a peaceful presence to him. He allowed Zayne to be a tired kid, no expectations for him to act like a 10 yr. old. Which I appreciate in doctors. I told him about all the different opinion’s we had received and told him he was my last hope. He looked at me sympathetically and sighed “I do believe he has lost vision in his left eye. I would agree with the Devoss doctors and say chemo should be started as soon as possible.” This was the end of hoping for me. I started to cry. He gave me a Kleenex and said he would do anything he could to help. He also gave me his cell and pager number…not something doctors do everyday. We walked out to the car utterly defeated. Zayne was quiet, realizing mom wasn’t ok. I buckled him in his seat and slid behind the wheel…I turned on my car and simply cried. It was raining. It had turned into a dreary dark day. It felt as if someone took away my power to choose. I didn’t want this. I was believing for something else. And I felt I got to a point where if I believed hard enough it would come true…maybe I’ve gone to Disney too much. I lifted my head off the steering wheel and said “Why?” outloud. “What do I do now? This isn’t fair.” I knew I wouldn’t get the answers I wanted but happened to look over at my radio that shows me the titles of songs. And the words “I AM” were written on it. My whole body got chills. And everything that goes along with those 2 words became alive to me once again. We were headed to my sisters the next day. She said she had a gift for us. Our whole family was there. As Jake and I opened matching boxes I saw a black shirt with the superman symbol on it with a big Z inside and underneath were the words “I AM” once again. I just cried. Jamie didn’t know the extent of what God was showing me with those two words but I knew God was speaking to me. He is the I AM. He is the one with the plan…not me. He chooses the fate of my son…not me. And in the midst of all my pain and concern I remembered who I serve!

No comments:

Post a Comment