“Do you want to go to chemo today?” I read as the text as I
was just about to throw in a load of laundry.
Hmmmmm. Thant’s
strange, I thought to myself. Only a
couple moments sooner I was about to call Jess and see if she wanted me to ride
in with her. I knew Jake had to take
their other son to the Dr. today so she would be on her own. She’s had to be on her own before and does
jus t fine so I wasn’t sure why I felt like I should go this time. But when I surveyed the condition of my
house, I began count how many pairs of clean underwear Michael and I had left
and decided I would be productive instead. Besides I really shouldn’t go with her today.
I had been struggling with the subject for a couple days now, Zayne
weighing heavy on my mind. I should go
when I am stronger But as when I saw her words on the screen(since
she had no idea I had even contemplated going) I knew it must mean I was
supposed to go and be by her side today, ‘cause when you go to chemo, that is
all you can do for her.
The ride in was mostly small talk. I could feel the heaviness weighing on my
sisters shoulders. The past couple weeks
Zayne has been showing signs of his behaviors that sent her searching for
answers in the first place. He wakes up
all hours of the night wanting to eat, but very picky about what it is. He has had a couple slight headaches, his
“grumpiness”, as I call it has been more prominent than usual lately. As we road in silence I knew this was on her
mind and since the first batch of chemo didn’t work anymore she was again left
to wait and hope this one made a difference, and quick.
“I can’t go back, Jame.”
She broke the silence.
“I know.” I said.
I know, seriously
Jamie! I thought to myself. Is that all you got? Seriously, you are her sister, give her the
“we got this speech, and a slap on the butt as she gets back in the game.” Nope
that is all I had. A simple I know, and
sitting right by her side. I do know I
will always be by her side and she knows it too. And I know she knows that when I got nuthin
but a simple “I know” she knows I will be there NO matter what.
Zayne was about as cute as they come.
“Ok, big guy, have a seat in the chair and I’ll get your
temperature.” Said the technician.
Zyane jumped right up in the chair and did it all by
himself. Wow, I was impressed. Last time I came he had to be in his moms lap
and you could barely get him to stand on the scale. And here he was today,
getting all his measurements so independently, not showing any signs of knowing
what was on his mothers shoulders. Just
cute as ever. And quite proud of
himself, as he should be!
On to the access room we went. Big Z walked around like he owned the
joint. When it came time to access the
port he sat on Jess’ lap, and held up his arms.
With a grunt of an “owe” he was done. Off his moms lap he came and he
escorted me to the poke prize drawer.
Jess stayed behind to talk to the Doc about some concerns.
As cute as Zayne was, checking all 8 drawers to make sure he
picked the perfect poke prize, my heart was heavy. I knew the conversation Jess was having a
couple rooms down the hall was not
fun. I found myself slipping into the
“whys”. I have moments of feeling sorry
for us(as much as I hate to admit it) I do.
The past few days have been “feel sorry for us days”. The thought crosses my mind….Why us?
Why now? This is not how I saw Jess and I spending our 30’s. And then I think to myself. Well,
Jamie, who ever dreams of their future, and thinks, hmmmm, child with a brain
tumor. There are so many tragedies, I
need to not get lost in my own. And
then when I look around and see all I have to be grateful for, I move from
feeling sorry for myself to just plain scared.
What does the future hold? How will he respond to this Chemo. Will he be sick. Will we spend another Christmas eve in the
hospital. Oh I really don’t want to do
that again. What if the tumor keeps
growing. What if it takes more of his
sight. What if the headaches
return. What if none of the chemo works. What if they take him to Saint Jude and they
put him on an experimental drug and he grows a 3rd arm.
My thoughts are interrupted by Zayne as he excitedly pushed
his tractor across the floor. “Mame” he said “You be the boy and I’ll be the
worker, and we will build a pool.” The
whole scene made me laugh. Ok Jamie, I thougth to myself. Time to
pick yourself up. Nobody picks this
journey. You have much to be thankful
for. Look at how great Zayne is doing. Count all the blessing you have, cause there
are tons, and take on the trials one day at a time. Besides, if he does
grow a 3rd arm from a trial drug, count your blessings then too,
wouldn’t he be able to do so much more productive with a 3rd arm.
You are always wishing you had one.
I found myself looking around at others hooked up to
IV’s. Some looked ok. Some had lost their hair. Some looked more like Zayne, couldn’t tell
from the outside the battle he was fighting on the inside. As my heart began to break for all the kids
around me, and their parents, I looked at Zayne and was thankful for the
blessings we do have.
We went back to the room with Jess and waited for Zaynes
counts…..
The rest of the story to come tomorrow…..I’m afraid I am
tired tonight and this seems to have gotten long already…
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