How do I express...by Jessica Warren

The weeks to come were not any easier. The only difference is we knew what was coming and so did Zayne. Week after week we held him down…listened to him scream and simply had to find some sort of peace in knowing that the fear and pain combined only lasted until we left the port access room. After that it was lunch and snuggle time. I tried telling myself to look forward to that part and not focus on the access part. Yeah….i was not so successful at that. Every Friday I used to dread the weekend coming to an end because Tuesday was just too close for comfort. Nausea was a normal part of my Mondays. And by the time Monday night would roll around the monsters I had pushed down for 5 days would come out full force. I remember one night I wrote a very exposing message on FB saying I needed prayer and frankly felt a little hopeless. It was never going to end. The chemo…the port access…the vomiting…the insomnia…the awful headaches we had been dealing with for over 6 months already. This was going to be my life. This was it. I didn’t see an end. The comments that came right after I posted were incredible…I felt as though people were talking directly to me without a computer. By the time I woke up that next Tuesday I had countless comments and random inspiring sayings posted to my wall. My family, my extended family, my church family, my community…old high school friends…and even people I didn’t know were throwing words of strength and encouragement at me! I got dressed feeling like everyone was coming with me! I was still dreading it but I could breathe a little easier!! My cousins Sarah and Katie and my Aunt Karen had arranged for me to open a package every Tuesday! Katie came out one night and gave me almost 3 months’ worth of gift bags to open as we walked down this chemo road. And every Tuesday I have a specific spot I open them up at. It’s about an hour down 96. That was usually the time that I couldn’t breathe and needed to refocus. They packed me things like a worship CD…devotionals…little scripture verses…and of course essentials like chocolate and Mexican coke! And always a toy and sucker for Super Z Man!! Some are pretty personal and from years back! I can’t thank them enough for thinking of supporting us like that!! People just kept showing us random acts of Kindness…probably small things to them but they were huge in our mind! I would drop Ayden of at school on Tuesday mornings and see not only my family but teachers and parents wearing super Z shirts in support! The Springport Wrestling coach made the Z shirt his team shirt! My MOPS group sent us gas cards and cards of encouragement! Kate, my niece had friends that made him blankets and adorable toys! People were sending us gift baskets and homemade goodies! People were buying shirts everywhere! My Aunt Beth’s 4th grade class made Zayne cards! My step-sister son’s class all bought shirts and prayers for him every Tuesday! Chris made my boys pillows and is always dropping little things she knows they want, by the house! People from my husband’s work made us AMAZING Batman and Superman signs for their rooms!! My girlfriends arranged for us to have a hot home cooked meal every Tuesday! My chiropractor did, I don’t know how many home visits for us and continues to do so. I cannot thank Reba enough for all of the advice and support she gave me in those beginning weeks. I felt as though she was the only one who could remotely understand what I was feeling. Poor girl…there were a couple late night phone calls that she talked me off a ledge. And Gina…poor Gina gets the brunt of a lot of it. She hears the hard stuff. And yet I couldn’t ask for someone more positive to support me. I could go on. Seriously…I could probably take up 5 pages of the things people have done that have touched our lives in ways we can’t even explain. And I don’t even know how to talk about what my mom and sister have done. I am crying trying to think about putting it into words. I don’t know if they realize everything they have done. Not just physically. It was more than cleaning my house, cooking or watching Ayden for us. It was having family simply stand by you and be willing to give you every ounce of their own energy and strength to simply help you breathe in and out. I remember one time I went over to my sister’s house to go running. Kate watched the kids while we ran. The very same day we had dinner at my dad’s cottage and I walked in and looked at my sister and told her I was going for another run. She got up, put her shoes on and said “Ok…let’s go.” My mom would come over in the evenings and say “What are you feeding your kids?” I would look at her exhausted and say “PBJ.” She would smile, give me a hug and then go rummage through my fridge for something nutritious to cook my kids. I could spend all night talking about the support we have received! We will have more stories to come but I simply had to write and say thank you to everyone who has helped us or been prayer warriors or finds other ways to bless my family! I cannot say enough to all of you of how amazing you have made this journey for Jake and I. We wouldn’t have made it this far without the help and support of each and every one of you holding us up!!! So tonight I am truly thankful that we all are family!!