“Mom?” I looked in my rear view mirror at my blonde haired little boy. “Yeah Baby?” “Why do we always go to my doctor?” I stared ahead at the familiar highway. It was a beautiful drive. Green on both sides for most of the way to Grand Rapids. But week after week a 90 min. drive took it’s toll. “So we can fix the yuckies in your head! We don’t like having headaches and this is how we keep them away.” He seemed to ponder my response. His almost transparent eyebrows squished together above his nose. His mouth opened slightly. I took in his features. So sweet. He had grown so much through this whole process. His strength amazed me. I didn’t blame him for getting upset. In fact I don’t blame him for much of anything anymore. When he gets emotional…I get it. When he is pissed at the world…I get it. I looked back to the highway and thought of how far all of us have come. My husband and I learned and are learning more about each other than we ever thought possible. My relationship with both my boys has transformed. We still have the usual problems…bad attitudes…fighting…talking rude…ya know but I feel I am more in tune with my kids. I can feel myself wanting to understand why they think the way they do. Why does Zayne get mad when he gets hurt? Why is Ayden so afraid to make a mistake? And I find myself establishing a relationship that will take on bonds that won’t be broken. I want to be a safe place for my kids. A place they don’t have to be perfect…and they can cry if they feel like it. They can get pissed if they want. I’m not talking about disrespect…I’m talking about my 3 year old and my 5 year old being able to explore their emotions the only way they know how. I looked back at Zayne. He was staring out the window with an expression of contentment.
A little later I found myself walking to the nurses station to let them know he was getting red and blotchy again. 3 of them followed me back to our seat. One shut the chemo off right away while the other quickly checked for hives on his body. And the third was already grabbing the doctor. Within seconds the doctor was hovering over my son. I felt safe. My boy was so well watched and so blessed with such a great nursing staff and doctors. The doctor told the nurses to keep the drip off till his cheeks went to normal color. 35 min. later we were starting chemo again. And now we had an hour and a half to go. Zayne was beyond over it. They woke him up by checking his body (which I’m not complaining) so he had over 2 hours to wait L He felt so tired from the Benadryl but his body wouldn’t go back to sleep. Needless to say he was not his happy self. However after chemo was done and we were walking out of the hospital as the last ones to leave there was a sense of peace that covered me. The doctor said if the reactions turn to hives they will start giving him a steroid. I panicked for a moment and then remembered what amazing doctors they are and that God had led us here…to this hospital. We are good. We are taken care of. I drove home utterly exhausted but knew God was talking to me.
I know this one is hard to read and follow…when my head clears I promise to catch everyone up a little better :/