We finally felt like we were getting the hang of this "Chemo" thing. And then we were thrown a curve ball.
Allergic reaction…My mind spun around the words. My son lay sleeping in my arms. So peaceful. So sweet. I looked at his red blotchy cheeks and then looked back at the 4 nurses that were hovering and watching him closer than ever. I remembered the doctor saying people sometimes get to the last week of their chemo and will all of the sudden react. “It just depends on how long the body can handle it.” He said with a shrug of his shoulders. “The doctor has been called and he will come take a look at him and tell us what he wants to do.” One of the nurses voice cut through my thoughts. “Ok.” I nodded vacantly. What does this mean? What if he can’t get his chemo? What if we have to stop? The headaches will come back…I know they will. He will stop sleeping again. No. They just put him on something different. What if a different drug is worse and he feels sicker. What if his hair falls out? What if he is bed ridden and can’t be a normal kid? What if he doesn’t have energy anymore? “Babe?” I felt Jake’s hand over mine. I looked up to see his supportive yet confused expression. “Yeah?” I said trying to stretch a smile across my concerned face. “You ok?…don’t let your mind run. He’s fine. Everything will be fine.” I exhaled and knew he was right. There is no point in stressing over something that hasn’t happened yet. The doctor came and took a look at Zayne and then told the nurses to start the drip in 30 min. And have it go over 2 hours. He made sure we were ok and off he went to other patients. A conversation with an old family friend came to mind. I had called her one morning with an awful dream and was simply wrapped in fear that it was going to come true. “Jessie I would treat those fearful thoughts as clouds in the sky. The clouds don’t linger they pass. When those thoughts come in your mind let them pass as quickly as they came. God is EVERYWHERE….in EVERYTHING. He wants us to be abundant and be at peace.” She went on to tell me some other things but that piece was huge to me. Allowing my fears to be swept away like the wind takes the clouds in the sky. So light. So easy. Letting Go. It sounds so simple. Let it go. When I roll that phrase around in my head it sounds like I have to work to do it. It’s a verb. Action. People say to me “Let go of the fear.” And for some reason when it’s phrased like that it sounds like I have to DO something in order to make it happen. When I hear that I gear myself up and tell myself it’s the right thing to do. JUST DO IT. LET GO. However when my friend told me to treat my fear as passing clouds I felt a peace. I didn’t have to fight the fear. As it floats by I realize it’s not something I don’t want to keep in my repertoire and send it on its way. I don’t even let it stop. It’s continually moving.
I looked down at Zayne who had his bink half hanging out of his mouth. His perfect lips. They were so perfect. His sweaty curls that were now clinging to his forehead and cheeks. Fear has no place here. Only Gods peace. I am whole. I am abundant. And I am steady.