Trying-Jessica Warren

Well our 2 week break is over.  We had an awesome 2 weeks off!!  We were able to go to Ohio and spend some much needed time with our family down there!!  So relaxing and definitely recharged our batteries!  This week was just as great!!  Crazy busy with the 4^th of July but all fun!!  However, it was emotional for me…whether it was the PMS ;) or the fact that I’m over my husband being gone.  I find myself tonight very thankful and yet struggling at the same time.  I’m so thankful for the amazing time I have been having with my boys and yet I am dreading tomorrow.  I have been a little concerned about Zayne’s eye’s.  We have an eye appt. Wednesday and am curious as to what they will say.  We will be having an appt. with the neuro-opthamologist later.  I just hope the normal eye doctor can tell a difference in his vision or at least adjust the glasses to help more.   

I find myself warring to stay in the present.  When I look at all we have come through I am so proud of my little guy and even my whole family and yet when I look ahead I worry and feel surrounded by fear.  My sister-in-law is planning her wedding for May 2015 and I wonder if Zayne will be back on chemo.  I look at our ending date and pray that after the 3 month scan of no chemo that the tumor will still be shrinking or just not growing.  That his sight will be fully restored and he will be a normal functioning adult.  I fast forward and wonder if I could make it through another year of this if we had too.  I want to tell myself YES YOU CAN….but in my heart of hearts I would struggle with defeat. What if we get 4 years down the road and the tumor starts to grow again.  As a mother my concern is always first and foremost my children.  You spend 9 months controlling everything you can to ensure they are healthy and strong, and then you spend the rest of their life trying to let go of everything you CAN’T control.  I am trying to trust and chose to believe that there are no accidents. And all the while of having these negative thoughts I have other thoughts in the back of my mind that tell me to stay positive, believe that we will be done, believe that we are good and if need be God will give us the strength to endure whatever is ahead. 

I bounce between these 2 thought processes.  And at the end of the day I am drained.  I’m beating myself up for not staying positive and then I am telling myself to prepare for the worst.  And tonight, being as emotional as I feel I am struggling to simply find a neutral place to land and simply be.  Just be.  Present.  Not worry about either or.  To watch my little boy racing with his brother, swinging on the swings, telling me stories in his little expressive way he does.  To forget about the tumor until I have to think about it.  I know God has not left me, I know that He won’t.  But I don’t know what else He wants to teach Zayne, or me or my family.  It’s about trusting God, trusting my discernment, and letting go.  All of those go together, but my brain makes them foggy.

Anyway this mama would appreciate some extra prayers tonight.  I will wake up tomorrow knowing I have to be strong, I have to think positive…it’s just easier to do that when I feel God backing me.  And I know that’s just a matter of me getting out of His way.