Why I have faith. Well, there are many reasons actually, but the one that sticks when life tries to make me wavier, is because of my kids.
Now some of you may be thinking, “Well, you should have faith because of YOU and your strong beliefs.” Or “ You should love God because He loved you first” or “You should have faith because of all the amazing things God has done for you in your life” And yes, I understand and believe in all of these and more…However, there have been times where I have been angry with God. Times that I wondered if he was real. Times that I felt like I was just a character in someone else dream, and there was no hope. But the one thing that always brings me back is MY KIDS. And here is the real kicker. It’s not because they are precious miracles that he gave me, it’s not because I see how much he loves ME through how much I love my KIDS. I mean, yes, again these are true statements, but what brings me back out of the darkness of fear, is because I have to trust that he will be there for them or I will lose my mind to fear, paranoia, and stress. I can’t bare it if he doesn’t exist for them. It is out of sheer necessity that I have to believe that a higher power than me loves them enough to guide, teach and comfort them.
The older they get the more I realize I cannot wrap this world in bubble wrap, nor can I keep them locked in their bedroom forever, though the thought did cross my mind. Lol
The older my kids get, the more I realize I will worry about them FOREVER!!! Not just till they are 18. The older they get and take their steps into the unknown on their own, the more I wish a fever was my biggest worry of the day. The more they go off to school, then to Jr. High, then High school, then drivers ed, and so on, the more I wish my mission for the day was to keep them from eating off the floor. As parent I am realizing I have less and less control, and in the grand scheme of things I never had control. Yes I could control mostly what my kid ingested but, let’s face it, a crayon or two made into their mouth when I wasn’t looking. And yes, I did my best to keep them healthy, but we all know, they had their fair share of sniffles. And then there are the allergic reactions and broken bones. Yup, I surely didn’t schedule those trips to the ER at my earliest convenience, but they happened. Life happens.
IT is in these moments that I realize I don’t have control that I am driven to my knees. It’s when I think of my children I choose to believe there is a higher power who not only knows more than me, but loves them more than me…ok, that is still a stretch for me to say, because frankly , I don’t think ANYONE could love my kids more than I do! So maybe I will just settle with, I have to believe he loves them AS MUCH as I do. And I have to believe he holds them in his ha nd, because he has more power than I do. At the end of the day the only thing that keeps me from utterly losing my mind is believing that there is a higher power and he DOES know what he’s doing.
So I am not here to convince you of a religion. I just have been struggling lately with stressing over my kids and wanting them to be ok, and with my little nephew battling a brain tumor it is a reminder too close to home, that I do not control this life. So I share my thoughts with you in case they can be of help to someone else. I NEED to be at rest as I watch my kids grow or I will lose my mind. And my higher power gives me that rest I need.