I found myself heavy that morning. Jake had already left with Ayden for his own
doctor’s appointment and I was getting ready to take Zayne to his MRI. I was already texting Gina trying to gain
some strength for what felt like was gonna be a heck of a day.
Why am I worrying about this? I have
done so many MRI’s
And I feel like I’m doing horrible with this one. Need a little
Extra help today…Mama needs prayer L
Gina texted back:
Gotcha covered!! Breathe and
think positive thoughts!!
Love you!!!
After that Gina sent me a picture that said “Let your Faith
be bigger than your Fear.” She was
right. I was allowing my fear to steal
the fact that my baby was doing great! I
had the opportunity to make today AWESOME!!
I tried shaking myself. I put on
my make-up and dressed for a good day.
After heading upstairs and getting his port accessed by his
favorite nurse Annie we headed downstairs to sedation. I made the trek with Zayne in my arms back to
the imaging room. “Mom I want you to
take a nap with me. I want you to stay
in the room with me while they take pictures.”
“Ok baby.” We entered the room
and saw the beautiful big tree painted on the machine. The doctors were laughing and trying to make
Zayne feel comfortable. I sat down on
the bed and felt my little boy panic. I
moved my arm to brush my hair back and Zayne grabbed it and put it back around
his belly. He did not want me going
anywhere. I pulled him closer. “It’s ok bud…I’m staying right here.” I gently kissed his forehead as the doctor
came over and put the medicine into his tube.
Zayne started to relax. He lifted
his head suddenly and looked at me. “MOM.” He said scared and his eyes wide. “MOM.”
I held him close and whispered “I’ve got you baby. It’s ok…Mommy’s got
you.” He went limp and I pulled him
closer whispering “Mommy loves you sweetie” in his ear before standing up.
The saying is Waiting is the hardest part, and it’s true. Until your baby is back in your arms and you
feel him breathing again it’s a constant mind game. I had to call my sister because my mind had
begun to run away and there was no retrieving it without help.
After it was all over I was sitting in the playroom eating a
piece of “pizza” Zayne had made for me with Velcro mushrooms. I was telling him how yummy it was when Brad,
our doctor popped his head in and said “I have the scans from the MRI, wanna
take a look?” I put Zayne into the
stroller and wheeled him down the hall to an exam room with a computer. Zayne sat in his chair playing with his
stickers he had received from the sedation nurse. “Ok…let’s see here.” Brad began.
I saw an image of my sons brain pop up onto the screen. Then I saw a huge black circle connected to
another medium sized circle. “Whoa…is
that the tumor? That’s huge.” I stood wide eyed not realizing my hands had
come up to my mouth. “No….no that’s not
the tumor. That’s the cyst. This is the tumor.” He pointed out a small white area that was
hooked onto the black hole. And for a second
I relaxed thanking God it was much smaller.
Then my over reactive brain kicked in and I started analyzing just how
big that cyst was. “Um…isn’t that a
problem?? That is huge.” My mind reeled as sweat beads formed on my
upper lip. Calm down Jessica, you have no clue if that’s as bad as you are imagining
it to be. Just stop being so dramatic
and listen to the doctor. “No…well…I’m
not really worried about it right now.
If it gets bigger we will take it to Neuro-surgery and see what they
say. Now you can see how much the tumor
has shrank in size…” His voice trailed
off as he pulled up a scan from when we first started chemo. I glanced at the tumor size. It had shrunk…a ton!! Wow, that was exciting. However, I looked in the first scan at the
cyst then the last scan. The cyst was
almost non-existent in the first and the size of a quarter in the last. So in the last 9 months this thing had grown
into a huge mass. My mind ran to Zayne’s behavior over the past couple of
weeks. I had commented to my sister that
he just didn’t seem to be himself. His sleeping
was off. And so was his eating. He has been asking for his bink more and
wanting mommy to snuggle often. Before
last week I just blamed it on chemo. But
last week he was awake at 5 am for a couple mornings in a row. And I couldn’t help but flash back to the very
beginning of all of this. Not just the
beginning of chemo, the beginning with the insomnia. The insomnia that started it all. The insomnia that led to headaches that led
to the tumor. And I felt despair and fear
wrap it’s clammy fingers around my throat.
I tried holding my composure while in front of the doctor, however he
looked at me and asked if there were any new behavioral changes. So I told him aside from waking up to early
it was just mom gut that told me he was a little off. Doctors don’t do very well with mom gut. I got quiet and already started a plan of
action in my head. Call the
Neuro-Opthamologist and get his opinon.
Get a copy of the scan and have it read by a different radiologist. I slowly heard Brads voice becoming audible
again. “So this is overall good
news. This is where we want this tumor
to be. And some people live with tumors
for the rest of their lives.
Conversations for future down the road are going to be if we need to
address the size of the cyst and if the tumor starts to grow again. “And if it grows after 3 months?” I asked
knowing the answer but somehow hoping it was different. “Then we start a different kind of chemo…but
we don’t have to talk about that now.
Now we finish this chemo and hope that thing gets smaller. He’s doing great Jessica.” Brad smiled.
“I guess that cyst just looks kinda big to me…I mean what if it starts
putting pressure on things and he starts having headaches…I don’t want it to get…” Brad cut me off by saying “That’s not what we
need to worry about right now. Now we
worry about the next 2 cycles of chemo.
Ok?” Not worry…I’m looking at a black hole in my kids brain and you’re
telling me not to worry? God help
me. Why do I fear so much? I don’t wanna do this anymore. I can’t.
He is a child. He needs to live a
child’s life with a mom that isn’t going insane. “Ok…great! Thankyou!” I faked my out the door and tried
my hardest to wait until we got in the car to lose it. We pulled onto the highway and the tears
rolled. I called my husband to relay the
information. After getting off the phone
with him I tried getting a hold of my mind.
The process was not going very smooth.
I called Reba. Watching her kid
come out of a coma and go through rehab after getting shot in the head on a
freak hunting accident, I think she can relate to my brain. I told her of my fears. All of them.
I told her the biggest one of mine was that I was beginning to lose my
mom gut to fear. And I didn’t want to do
that. I know I am a strong person. I’ve been through a lot in my life to equip
me with strength. We all have. Everyone has been through some sort of
challenge in their life. I wanted to
know that I was still conquering my fear instead of letting it conquer me. She had a lot of good things to say to
me. I could feel her compassion coming
through the phone. It didn’t matter that
I hadn’t talked to her in weeks. It didn’t
matter that I was sobbing all over the phone.
She was there for me. She had
empathy. And I think that hit me. She was feeling my situation but not letting
it get to her too much. She has come
through her own trauma. And I started to
realize I can be an empathetic mother.
Protect my children from things, love them, hold them, re-late to
them. However, I didn’t have to be a
part of the fixing process. I could just
focus on loving my son.
Fran texted me that morning realizing I was having a hard
time and what she said was so inspiring.
God is greater than
our minimal faith and lack
Of understanding. Zayne is so ABOVE this diagnosis!
And he is. If Zayne
has to have surgery or even be put back on chemo in the future I want him to be
able to count on me as a mom that offers loving unconditional support. Not one that loses her mind because she can’t
control whats going on in his life. I
want to show him he can TRUST GOD!! And
if God can handle mom’s words, He can handle Zayne’s too J I know I don’t have this down yet. But I do know that I have amazing
support. I have an incredible family and
friends. They allow me to go a little nuts
and then help me get back up. Today was
a not so fun day but I am thankful. I am
blessed. And I am using that small
little mustard seed of faith knowing God will take that and honor it.
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