Monday, August 11, 2014

Just how far will a mustard seed get me??-Jessica Warren

I breathe.  And breathe again.  Why am I doubting?  Why do I have this fear?  Has He not taken care of you Jess?  Has He not proven faithful?  I walk around the house gathering laundry.  Darks.  Lights.  Towels.  Swim towels.  I smile thinking of my boys swimming in the pool, their huge smiles and giggles soaking into my skin.  I throw a load into the washer.  My brain swims as I push start.  Snap out of it Jess.  Stop thinking like this.  Just keep moving.  I proceed downstairs and pour a cup of coffee into my favorite mug.  The aroma seems to wake up my senses that have been sleeping. I decide to go soak up some sun on my front porch.  My boys are riding bikes in the driveway.  “Nnnrrrroooommm!!”  “Ayden look what I found! It’s a bug…but he’s dead!” Zayne screams in excitement.  His brother, not too interested in the squished bug, keeps riding.  I run my fingers through my hair as I put my steaming cup of joe down beside me.  These boys.  They make up so much of my world.  I feel the weight of tomorrow morning on my shoulders and chest.  It begins to take energy to breathe.  It’s an MRI Jess.  The tumor is shrinking.  Why are you letting your mind run away and entertain thoughts it shouldn’t? I pick up the hot mug and sip in the smooth creamy beverage.  I’m thankful for the pause it creates in my morning.  I savor the taste and savor the moment watching my boys laugh as they create a train with their bikes.  Their smiles creating mixed emotion in me.  When they smile I don’t feel a care in the world and yet the weight of their wellbeing seems to barge in with a sledge hammer.  Keep them safe.  Raise them well.  Allow them to be kids.  Relax.  By the time 30 seconds has passed I’m exhausted from the 100 mph journey my emotions just took me on.  I take a deep breath and will myself to just be…quiet.  The doves cooed in the background.  Their beautiful tone wrapping around me like a warm soft blanket.  The heaviness is unmistakable and I can’t shake it.  I breathe and breathe again.  Why can’t I trust you?  Why can’t I just be a mom to my boys and leave the worrying to you?  The scripture about Faith being the size of a mustard seed slowly floats into my head and I scold myself for not having that little of faith.  I want to.  I want to have peace.  I want to know that You are the only one who holds my boys future. But that still isn’t a guarantee.  And that’s what I want.  I want that piece of paper that says they will grow up kind, healthy, respectful, and protected.  The wind blew and I wrapped both hands around my cooling coffee.  I tried to accept the fact that I wouldn’t feel ok.  I wouldn’t feel ok until the MRI came back saying the tumor is still shrinking. He is STILL doing ok.  And he will still BE ok.  I didn’t have any more room in my head for anything too far in the future.  Just get through today.  I know I have faith.  It may not even be the size of a mustard seed  but I know it will get me through to tomorrow.

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