Thursday, September 16, 2010
I am human, and I bleed.
I am human, and I bleed. Tonight I feel as though my heart is hurting. I just watched a video of old pictures put to music. Old pictures of my Grandma and Grandpa, and my Dad as a kid. All my Aunts and Uncles and my cousins. It was funny for me to see pictures of my cousins so young. I remember when they looked like that and as I watched I could go back in time and literally feel the moment. Then pictures of my grandpa would come up and I began to miss him. And pictures of my Grandma when she was young and vibrant. I still remember standing next to her watching her sew me some homemade clothes for my Barbie doll. There was a picture of us kids swimming in their pool. This was the pool I learned to swim “in the deep end” in, and the pool where my Dad and Grandpa taught me to dive of the diving board without plugging my nose. I have so many happy memories. Then pictures of my Dad came up and a twinge of pain hit my heart. I miss my family before the divorce. All these emotions that I had worked so hard to get over were now resurfacing again. My first thoughts were, “Jamie, seriously. Get you self together, it has been 10 years now, it is time to quit crying about it.” I found myself wondering if it would ever not hurt. Granted, I don’t cry everyday about it. My Dad is remarried now and I have grown to enjoy and appreciate my “step-family”. And I look forward and embrace the day my mom will remarry. But today I feel the pain again. I don’t like these days. However, I am “learning” to embrace them and grow through them, but it still hurts. I really don’t like to hurt. I was talking with my life coach one time and I told him I wanted to learn how not to hurt anymore. I told him I didn’t want to feel pain in my heart ever again. His response to me was “oh, you don’t want to be human then.” When he put it that way I realized if I were physically able to never feel pain, I would eventually die, just like a leper. And as I pondered it further I realized if I were able to shut down every emotional pain sensor in me, if I were able to never have to cry again. If I were able to never feel this ache in my heart over anything, then I would be dead. I would be dead emotionally, therefore not really LIVING. To live, truly live on this earth as a human being is about experiencing LIFE. And life is a journey with up and downs. Sometimes things happen and to be blunt it just plain SUCKS. But when it comes down to it living as an emotional human being is better than an indestructible shell. Because as hard as it is sometimes, pain is my teacher. The trials I have went through concerning my parents divorce has shaped me as a person. I have learned a lot about myself through it all and that is very valuable to me. So I cry today. I feel the pain and I cry. A part of me still wishing the pain away and wanting to stuff it, but a greater part of me knowing it is better to face it and walk through to the other side. Though the tears may roll down my cheeks this moment, this moment to shall pass. Tomorrow is another day. And I love my Dad. I love my mom. I love my wonderful family. For now I will embrace this moment of sadness and growth so tomorrow I can feel every bit of joy. Cause the good thing about embracing the pain, is the joy is that much greater once you walk through it.