Thursday, July 28, 2011

Believe what she says.

It is me, Jess. I have once again high-jacked my sisters blog. My sister recently posted "If you believe a word I say", I'm going to title this “Believe what she says”.

I went to this emotional growth seminar only because my sister begged me to go. Never-mind the thinking of how many tables I had to serve to make that kind of money...that I could have used for a shopping spree, or rent, or I don't know anything rather than this dumb seminar she wanted me to attend. The funny part about this was I knew I needed help. Even though I wasn't going to let on to anyone else that I did. I took care of my family through a divorce of my parents, put myself through college, and moved out to Colorado. In my eyes I was doing pretty darn well. I was strong and I knew I was strong. Somewhere I viewed holding it all together as strong. Not being vulnerable was being strong. And strong I was...except for those moments everything got quiet. Those weekends I didn't have to work. Those days I would go up in the mountains and hike. I would sit on a rock at the top, look over Gods beautiful creation, smell the fresh air and feel empty. Hurt. Angry. Confused. I hated to feel it. So what would I do? Hike down the mountain and go to the gym. I would run on the treadmill watching a mindless sitcom until I didn't feel any of those feelings anymore. I would run until I was too tired to think. Then I would lift weights. Crazy what people will do to not feel pain. Some drink. Some smoke dope. Others its more subtle. Some eat. Some take medication thinking they are depressed. Some just get mad. And probably most of us just Avoid. We continue on autopilot. We stay busy and simply tell ourselves we are OK. That was me. I would look at my life and say I should be happy. And that's what I would tell myself. I should be happy. And I would go on making myself be happy. I would live throughout the week to see my boyfriend on the weekends, I would live for the times I had plans, weekends away, weekends going home, concerts, whatever. But when the plans were done and life was calm and quiet again I wasn't happy. I knew in my heart I shouldn't be sad to wake up each morning. So I went to the seminar. And I fought the process left and right on the outside, but on the inside I knew God was working. I felt His arms wrapped around me saying “I'm not letting go. I have big plans for you. You are made in my image. You are chosen. I died so you could live. Now TRULY LIVE.” The fundamental tools I received and the secret boxes I opened up within myself were mind blowing. I found myself wanting it. I found myself KNOWING that freedom was right around the corner. And all I had to do was surrender to the process. It took until day 3 to do that (Mind you its a 3 day seminar) But hey I always was a spit fire and didn't like anyone telling me what to do.

I agree with my sister in saying its not about selling the seminar its about feeling good and simply wanting to let others know they can feel good too

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