Cupcakes and a kid with a Migraine don’t mix.-Jessica Warren

With all that’s been going on, I was determined to make Ayden’s birthday super special! I promised him I would bring cupcakes to his class and join him in the celebration. With everything being centered around Zayne for the past month and a half I really wanted to make a special effort to show Ayden he was just as important. Well that week was crazy…of course I didn’t have time to order cupcakes let alone make them homemade. So, of course, Zayne and I flew into Wal-Mart on the day of Ayden’s birthday with an hour before having to be at the school. Zayne was doing great! No sign of headaches. We sped through the isles on 2 wheels, grabbed a much needed bink off the shelf and raced up to the bakery. ‘Spiderman, Spiderman, Spiderman…Oh no.’ I thought. There was no sign of Spiderman cupcakes anywhere. ‘I promised my boy Spiderman cupcakes. Who the heck doesn’t have Spiderman pre-made cupcakes?? It’s school season…every kid likes Spiderman.’ I found 6 superman cupcakes and 6 Disney princess cupcakes. I grabbed them both and had to settle for green frosted cupcakes to fill the remainder. I piled them into the cart and ran for the checkout. As I was paying I glanced at Zayne who had that look. I knew a headache was coming. I was just hoping I could at least get to my car before the worst part erupted. I hit the exit and he was standing in the cart needing to be held. I grabbed the bags and scooped his hefty body into my arms. As we walked to the car I tried to control the swinging bags. Unsuccessful I decided to just hurry and get to my car as we had no time to spare. I put Zayne in the car-seat and took a quick peak at my purchase. At least 7 cupcakes had toppled over and were now smooshed up against the plastic. With a sigh I shoved them onto the floor and headed for the school. Zayne’s headache only got worse. I knew it was a full on migraine. He was screaming and rocking his head back and forth. I reached for the Tylenol bottle…empty. ‘You’ve got to be kidding me.’ I felt horrible…if I would have known I could have grabbed some while I was still at Wal-Mart. I quickly called my mom to meet me at Ayden’s school so we could switch cars and she could take Zayne home. She met me in the parking lot. Zayne started to get even more upset hearing I was leaving him and in his current state I couldn’t exactly say “Tough luck kid”. I looked at my mom and sighed. “Can you do the cupcakes with Ayden?” I heard myself saying the words but wanted to cry thinking of missing out on Ayden’s first birthday celebrated in school. I handed mom the cupcakes and reluctantly crawled back into my car, and drove home to the sound of my baby screaming in pain from a headache. The all too familiar feeling came over me. I couldn’t do anything. There had been so many times I couldn’t do anything but this one felt worse. I felt like I was the world’s worst mother at that moment. I promised Ayden spider-man cupcakes and he had to settle for superman. And the worst part, I wasn’t even going to see his face or be there to enjoy his excitement. In my mind he was put on the back burner again. And Zayne...as his mom I’m supposed to take care of him. Kiss his boo-boos away, pick him up when he scrapes his knee, or snuggle when he needs mommy time. And here he was screaming in the car-seat simply waiting for me to wave my magic wand and take the pain away. I was not only mentally exhausted I was physically exhausted. We had averaged about 4 hours of “interrupted” sleep a night since his first chemo treatment and my energy was about as thin as it was gonna get. I pulled into the driveway scooped up my little boy and ran inside to put him in bed with a cold washcloth on his forehead. I grabbed the Tylenol and glass of apple juice. I got him tucked in and watched his little eyes squinch in response to the pain. I stood there staring at him. His head finally calmed down enough for him to drift to sleep. I sat down beside him and put his hand in mine. I rubbed my fingers down his. ‘How did we get here? Why would you put him through this? Why have You made me helpless? This isn’t how it is supposed to be. This isn’t what I had planned’ I had a little conversation with God. I felt like a lot of my conversations were one sided. I simply had to sit back and do nothing. I had to trust that there was a reason for all this. There was a reason his head had to hurt so bad, or a reason I had to miss Ayden’s very first birthday party at his school. However, at that moment I wasn’t too open and trusting to Gods great plan. Frankly I was a little pissed off.