Monday, January 27, 2014

GOD IS GOOD!!!--Jessica Warren

As a mother I don't know if we ever breathe a sigh of relief when our children are young. However, I think the other day I did :) First of all I had surgery...just a simple gallbladder removal ;) What can I say? My sister and I should have been born twins! Well I had surgery on Wed and my mom agreed to take Zayne to his Nuero-opthalmology appointment the next day. Of course I was anxious for the news. I just wanted his eye-sight to not be affected by this tumor anymore. We don't know exactly what he sees. Things could be blurry or have black spots. Sometimes I wonder what I look like to him. My husband and I agreed to start chemo back in September because this very doctor said the tumor was causing Zayne to lose peripheral vision in one eye. Then later finding out the tumor was shrinking was news we didn't expect but were beyond thankful to get. My mom called me after the appointment and told me it went well. I figured it would all be routine...I think I felt more sorry that he had to go back to the doctor 2 days after he already went. Going to the doctor these days is rough seeing how we are there so often and so long. I was half listening to my mom when I heard her say "The doctor said he has regained some of the peripheral vision he has lost!" I sat there holding the phone. Confused. "He said what?" I asked utterly perplexed. "He said he is regaining the vision he lost!" I let out an exasperated "WHAT?? He said usually what kids lose is lost forever...I don't understand...Oh my gosh!!!!" I was beyond excited and couldn't wait to tell my husband!! Feelings that washed over me are hard to express! This journey, to get not even half way here, has seemed so long. And until recently we didn't see improvement in a lot of things. I remember telling Jake I couldn't see signs of God anymore. I wanted to know He was still surrounding us...I wanted to feel HIM...I wanted something outward to reassure us that we were still on the right path...that we were here for a reason. I think a lot of times when we are in a desert of some sort we look for that small flower blooming in the midst of sand to let us know that we are going the right way. And that's where I feel I have been. I'm not sure if I allow my mind to wander or if it's God getting quiet. But I feel as though I get to a point where God doesn't show Himself as often or maybe I'm simply not looking. I start to ask "Why can't I feel You?". And it's a matter of days or even minuets before He shows up. I don't know how many mornings I have woke up feeling heavy and I open my devotional and the first words are "I have you on this path for a reason" or "In your vulnerability you will feel MY Peace" or sometimes I will wake up with a dream. Sometimes I have to sift through the tears to find the morsels God is leaving me but when I do they are something I hang onto with everything in me. This is a growing period for my whole family. Especially for my little boy! A wise man once told me not to take away from Zayne's journey by believing feelings of guilt. I didn't really hear it until later. I can't imagine what he is going to walk away from this experience with. And Jake and I have two options...we can either show him how amazing God is in any circumstance and how powerful and strong he truly is or we can feed into his fear. We try and choose God as often as we can!! I want to be excited for my little man and the wonderful journey God is taking him on! I want to be the best cheerleader on his team! And we want to be the best example of leaning on God and seeing the good. And it's signs like this that God gives Jake and I to pump up our strength and faith. I say all this knowing we go into chemo tomorrow and still have a long road ahead of us but this week I'm excited that the tumor isn't winning!!! God has His hand on us and He has an amazing plan for both my boys!! God is Good!!!

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