Merry Christmas!!!.....in the ER????--Jessica Warren

Jake and I had been crazy Christmas week. My sister lost power and came to stay with us the Sunday before Christmas, Monday morning Jamie got the gift of coming with me to Chemo ;) and Jake stayed home to give Ayden some much needed one on one time! Christmas Eve morning we had brunch with my dad and went home only to have Jake spike a fever. Ayden had a fever and chills the week before so we were pretty sure it was just getting passed on. I did what any doting wife would do…I left him with the kids, a bottle of hand sanitizer, and instructions not to touch Zayne so I could go clean my sister’s house with my mom to surprise her for Christmas day. She was over at her in-laws that evening so Mom and I were able to get in and out. I got home at 8:00 and Jake was telling me that Zayne was asking to go to bed. Sirens began going off in my head. For those of you that know Zayne can understand why…for those of you that don’t, to put it simply he does NOT sleep. AT ALL. SERIOULSY….AT ALL. I immediately grabbed the thermometer and took his temp. He felt pretty warm but I was determined NOT to go to the ER on Christmas Eve. I pulled it out from under his arm and read 102. I wanted to cry. I was not ready for this moment. I was just starting to get the hang of Chemo…not visiting the ER with my sick little boy. I looked at Jake who looked just as bad as Zayne. There was no way he could go with me. I called my mom and told her what was going on and to be ready to come to GR with me. I then called Devoss and the doctor on call told me to go to our nearest hospital. I chose Sparrow. She said she would call them and let them know we were coming. I felt like I was in a movie. Nothing felt real. I didn’t want it to be real. It was Christmas Eve. My hubby and I had planned to put the boys to bed and open a bottle of wine while we wrapped their presents and snuggled by the fire. I had plans. I wanted my boys to wake up and be able to tear into presents and get excited about Christmas day. Instead I was packing an overnight bag for Z and I to stay the night at the hospital just in case they kept him. I grabbed his numbing cream and cringed at the fact that he just got poked the day before for his chemo treatment. Seconds later my sister called me. “I’m coming.” She said. “Jamie….who called you? You are supposed to be enjoying Christmas Eve with your family.” I didn’t want to call her because this isn’t her fight. She had plans…it was her favorite time with her in-laws. I knew mom didn’t have plans and would support me just as well. “Mom called me cause she knew you wouldn’t. I’m leaving Lightner’s now…I’ll be there in 10.” She always was great at taking care of me. She got there and loaded Zayne for me. I looked at my husband. “I’m so sorry baby.” He said knowing I was trying to prepare myself. “I know…me too.” I knew Zayne would have to get poked again but this time it was different. My stress level was heightened…it was 9 at night…he had a fever and didn’t feel good. And we were in a place we didn’t know. My mind ran with the competency of these doctors. Are they as good as Devoss? Do they know how to access a port? Should we have just made the drive? Anytime something is new as a mom you worry. I made sure to ask for someone who KNEW how to access a port and tried to prepare my little man. We had to hold him down again. I tried to disconnect but found myself struggling. Not one of our favorite things to do on Christmas Eve. I had to listen to him scream as I tightly held onto his flailing body. I pressed my lips into his hair and told him it would be quick and we had the magic cream on. I knew nothing I said would help. After they accessed his port another nurse came in to take blood from his arm. They need to take blood from the port and his arm to be sure there isn’t a bacterial infection around his port. So once again we held him for another poke. By this point he was beyond distraught and exhausted. I wrapped him in my arms and just held him while he watched TroTro on his daddy’s ipad. I allowed a few tears to fall but knew we had a way’s to go. I pushed back most of them and told myself to get a grip. He fell asleep finally and the nurse came to wheel us down to x-ray to make sure there was no pneumonia. We hit the x-ray room and I knew this would not be any fun either. I woke him up as gently as I could and told him this wouldn’t hurt. No more pokes. He had to sit on a chair and hold his arms above his head. Yeah…that was not happening. His strength out did mine that night. The male nurse had to come out and hold his arms for me. Like I always say…he is my strong boy  He just looked at me through his tear filled eyes and screamed “MOMMY…. I NEED YOU” My heart literally broke. I knew he wasn’t in any pain but simply having to go through this night with him exhausted and not feeling well…the 2 pokes…the new atmosphere…I just wanted to take it all away. I again had a conversation with God letting Him know I was NOT ok with this. They finished the x-rays and I grabbed my baby and snuggled him in again. We were rolled back to our room with heated blankets wrapped around us. Because of his allergies to meds they were clearing things with Devoss on which antibiotic to give him. I decided to be on the “In” loop of this conversation and called the doctor on call at Devoss directly. While I was talking to her my eyes welled with tears and my face became hot. She told me Zayne is allergic to the 24 hour antibiotic and I would have to do a 12 hour one. Which meant we had to come back the very next day (Christmas) and do it all over again. I started to cry as I got off the phone. I can’t do this again Father. I don’t want to. I can’t. This is not fair. It’s not fair to him. I can’t. Why? I held him close and listened to him breath. I couldn’t hold back any more emotion. We were on the tail end of this night and I had no more strength to hold anything back. I stroked his cheek and started to whisper I’m sorry into his hair. I just kept saying it over and over. He was peacefully sleeping in my arms. The only thing I could do was be here to hold him. That’s all I could ever do these days. And some days it just didn’t feel like it was enough.