Monday, February 24, 2014
This too shall pass-Jessica Warren
After our 2 week break I usually get to Saturday and become a little overwhelmed with thoughts. Thoughts of what needs to be done around the house before we start the routine again. Catch up on laundry, sweep and mop, Lysol doorknobs, wash bedding, stuffed animals, anything else I can think of. Prepare my mind for days to come. And by Monday I'm usually running on auto pilot. I feel non-existent, numb, and very tired. Thoughts of the upcoming weeks way heavy. I tell myself it's ok...this is good...this is helping...I can do this. It feels like a mantra I have chanted to often to believe. Slowly I allow the thoughts of 'Why' to come into my head. Why him? Why now? Then the questions of 'what if' creep in as well. What if the tumor is growing? What if he has to be put on a harder form of chemo? What if by the end, the tumor is still there? What if they can't figure it out? What if the tumor begins pressing on a behavioral part of his brain? What if he goes blind? I grab my iPod and jump on my treadmill...I begin walking to 'Calling all angles' by Train. I try to reel my brain back in as I plead with God to wrap His massive arms around my little boy. Trust the One who chose the plan for my sons life. Believe that God has His hand in this situation. If He didn't, what would be the point? What is the point? I hear the song play. I ramp up the treadmill to running speed and start to pour all of myself into Avril Lavigne's Underground. The chorus rings in my ears and I run harder. "I'll get by...I'll survive...When the world's crashing down, when I fall and hit the ground...don't you try and stop me...I won't cry." I feel my feet hit, my lungs hurt and my heart pounds. Tears sting my eyes as they betray me. You are strong. You are beautiful. And you and your son are free. I hit repeat and run until my legs give up. I was meant to be Zayne's Mom. God equipped me with everything I need. No matter what results we get in the future I am ok. The times that I feel like my faith is non-existent I have to make myself believe. I have to become so exhausted physically and mentally that all the What if's and Why's have no value. All that matters is I believe in myself, my son, and my God. This too shall pass.