Part 2 from Monday- another moment that keeps me going!

Here is another little story of a moment I am certainly soaking up. I am noticing that after over 4 years of using value based parenting, my kids are coming to the age where I am staring to see the fruit bloom. Ya see, value based parenting isn’t simply about getting a child’s behavior under “control.” It is about instilling healthy, strong guiding principles in them, to help them make wise choices on their own. It is about teaching them to think for themselves and to make choices for themselves that they will benefit from the rest of their lives.
Well, Josh made a comment to Kate the other day that I LOVED hearing. Kate had a consequence of teaching the family a lesson. This is a consequence we use often, the kids have to write up a lesson concerning their recent behavior and teach it to the family. Well Kate had to teach why it was important to go to school and was struggling a bit. I told her to ask Josh for some help. I like to encourage them to help each other. Josh read her lesson and said,
“Well Kate, ya know how mom is always talking about “Fear Motivators” and “Love Motivators.” It seems like you have a lot of “Fear Motivators” to go to school. You may want to think of some “Love Motivators.” That is my idea.”

Wow, I was amazed. Just to briefly explain, with value-based parenting we teach that love is a better long-term motivator. Using fear as a motivator isn’t effective long term because it breaks down over time. Been when you are motivated by Love, or in other words, motivated by values, since you are motivated by something you believe in, you are more likely to be successful in it.
So naturally I have been working to teach my kids this concept and it was cool for me to see that Josh was not only internalizing it, but also recognizing it in the situation at hand. Yay!!!!

Wow, this Value Based Parenting Stuff is paying off...Timmy's story

As a parent I love to soak in those moments when my kids do something that makes me think…”Everything is going to be OK. My kids are going to do alright in this world.” As parents it is easy for us to feel overwhelmed and worry whether or not we are properly equipping our children to be strong principled individuals able to withstand the peer pressure of others and make choices that would lead them to a good-quality future. So when my kids have those moments when they actually implement the values that we have worked hard to teach them, all while wondering if they are even getting it, I just savor the moment. I have been using the Value Based Parenting method with my kids for about 4 years now and I am seeing some of the fruit appear. Ya see, Value Based Parenting is a constant sewing process, some results you see quickly, while other results show up later on. I have a couple stories I would like to share with you attesting to Value Based Parenting. A couple of stories that I will hang onto for myself as encouragement that amidst all my mistakes I make as a parent, and I doing some good.

One of my stories is about Timmy(I will share the others at later times so this blog doesn’t get so long you fall asleep half way through it J.

As some of you may recall, I had a blog post awhile back about Timmy’s words at our family council meeting pertaining to honesty. @ http://jamielightner.blogspot.com/2012/02/lesson-in-honestyits-never-to-late-to.html

Well, apparently the value of honesty is a value Timmy is beginning to internalize. A couple weeks after his “sneaking of the doughnuts” he came to me talking about his bad day at school and the conversation went like this…

Timmy: “Oh, this was the worst day ever.”
Me: “Why what happened.”
Timmy: “We had to put our heads down like 6 times today.”
Me: “Oh that’s a bummer, I remember having to do that when I was in grade school.”
Timmy: “And it gets worse mom.”
Me: “Well what happened?”
Timmy: “My friends got in trouble for flicking pencils and goofing off. And they have to be on the wall(which is simply standing on the wall while everyone plays, it is basically a time out at school) for 5 recesses.” “And I was flicking pencils and goofing off too, but my teacher didn’t see me. So I told her what I did and now I have to be on the wall too.”

Well I was curious why he told on himself so I had to ask, ‘cause I was quite surprised my 2nd grader turned himself in. And when I ask him he responded with “To be honest.” And then a week later at another family meeting, the subject of honesty came up once again, and Michael asked him why he chose to be honest with his teacher. Timmy’s answer blew me away. He said, “Well, if she would have found out later then she wouldn’t be able to trust me anymore.” And Michael said, “So her being able to trust you is important to you. You want to be trustworthy?”
“Yup.” Timmy said with a cute little grin.
What! You mean to tell me this stuff we have been teaching them is actually sinking in. They are actually internalizing and seeing the value enough to want to make it a part of their life on their own. OH HAPPY DAY!

Now by no means am I trying to give myself a “perfect parent” award, I hope you don’t misunderstand. I am just grateful for the principles taught in value based parenting method that I am seeing work in our family. And I am one who likes to hang on to those moments to help me through the tougher ones. Ya know, the moments when my daughter says, “Mom, you are ruining my life!” Yeah, those moments. Lol

To see fun promos for Value Based Parenting check out these videos…
Do you ever have those days…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x7HmAUoOlNA&context=C4f655cbADvjVQa1PpcFP0Bm3Sqgd8ywvv5Yd06XshwmP1IDtBVy4=

You might be a parent if…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kKih38v755I&context=C4ea95bcADvjVQa1PpcFP0Bm3Sqgd8y7bIpFVtDjhyBrwzk102pnw=

Take a load off

I had an interesting teaching moment the other day while at my daughter’s basketball game. While watching the game I chatted with a friend I hadn’t seen in awhile ‘cause we were out of town for a week. After we caught up she went to sit back with her family. As she walked back to her seat my eyes drifted into staring into space as my mind went through a series of thoughts…

“Gosh Jamie, what is wrong with you. You didn’t even hug her and you used to be a “huggy” person, and you used to be so warm and open all the time. But today you just seem so vacant.”

As I was off in “guiltland”, staring into space I missed my daughters first basket(in a game) on her basketball team. Boy was I bummed, now I had something new to feel guilty about and that was guilty for being distracted by my guilt.

Now who knows all the answers to what makes me who I am today as to why I am not as
“huggy” and why I can be distant at times. It could have been something as simple as I was distracted by work or lack of sleep from the night before combined with exhaustion from traveling. Or maybe it is more complex. I know some of my own “bumps” and “bruises” through my life has caused me to be less “huggy” and more guarded, sometimes without even meaning to be. There are many avenues I could analyze if I wanted to, but this is not where my lesson of my day lies. The real lesson is how the guilt we carry, whether it be from 15 years ago or events 15 minutes ago, causes us to miss out on the moments today. I literally missed a “moment”, a real live moment while I was focused in guilt and discontentment with myself. This moment was very obvious to me and I was able to use it as a powerful teaching moment for myself, however, often times our guilt can be much more subtle. Sometimes guilt keeps us from fully living and enjoying life. Sometimes guilt lingers subtly and we don’t even realize it’s destruction. Many of us have operated with guilt for so long it just seems normal. We don’t even realize it’s there because it has become a “normal” feeling. If I choose to carry guilt with me it becomes a like backpack of weight. I can walk, and even use my arms, but I can’t run and jump freely and I get tired quicker than if I was free from the weight.
But if you could imagine letting that go. If you imagine what it would be like to be truly content with who you are, mistakes and all, simply learning from those moments of guilt and moving on. If you can imagine, how great would that feel, how much more of life’s moments would you fully experience?
And to all you moms out there, Mom guilt is worth letting go also. I’m not saying I am good at it. Obviously I struggle, you can see that from this blog, but I have seen and felt what it is like to empty that backpack at times. And my goal is to get better at letting go everyday.

Neighbors in the "ParentHood" ~Gina's story

Awhile back I asked for people to share there stories. I decided to call these stories Neighbors in the “ParentHood” You can write your own story and sumit it to me or you can tell me the story and I will write it for you. I hope to hear from more “neighbors” in the future. A friend of my told me this story and I put it into “blog form”

A story by Gina, mother of 3, Columbus, Ohio

I have 3 kids and my 3rd has been the easiest of the 3. My first two, Gage and Emma are 7 and 6, eleven months a part to be exact. Yeah, those first few years were pretty busy to say the least. After my “Irish twin” experience, 4 years later, kid number 3 seemed like a breeze. I brag on her all the time. She amazes me at how trouble-free she is. She is easy to run errands with; I don’t have to chase her through the store. When we are home she entertains her self for hours while I finish household chores. It is nice to be able to clean the toilet without a toddler trying to play in it. So as far as those crazy toddler stories of emptying kitchen cupboards, throwing tantrums in the store, or sticking foreign object up her nose I have none. But she did put herself on the story grid today.

I had begun our regular bedtime routine and was getting ready to tuck my school age children in for the night. As I walked from my daughters room to my sons I past my youngest, Maddie, in the hall. As she passed by I could smell that her diaper was carrying an all to familiar package that wasn’t my favorite to open. I told her to go down stairs while I tucked her brother in and then I would change her in a sec. Being the compliant child she is, she simply said “ok” and headed down the stairs. As I stepped into my son’s room the smell hit me in the face like a green cloud of smoke from the cartoons. This was not your typical closed up poopy diaper smell, it was as if she left her diaper in the middle of the room. I turned on the fan, hoping it would help air the room out, but it didn’t dissipate the smell at all. By this time Gage, and I are gagging. I told him to just lie down and see if it went away after a few minutes. As I pulled the covers back a big brown spot was revealed. “Ugh, what is that!” I said “Oh my gosh is that poop!? Eeeeww, Gage smell it.” I instructed. (Yeah, funny thing about being a mom, you can tell them to do stuff like that and they don’t know any better.) Gage went in for the “sniff” only to throw his head back in disgust. “Oh yeah, that is poop.” He responded as if he were a world renowned expert on the subject. “Maddie!!!” I hollered in exasperation. “Ugh gross” I said as I sent Gage to sleep in Emma’s room. As I pulled the sheets off the bed the “poop blob” smeared onto the mattress. “You have got to be kidding.” I muttered “Maddison!” I hollered down the stairs. “Did you wipe poop on Gages sheets.” I asked looking to make sense of the situation. “Yup!” she answered without any hesitation. “Why did you wipe poop on his bed!?” I asked. “ ‘Cause it was on my finger.” She said so matter-of-factly. It was as if she wondered why I even had to ask. As we are having this conversation I peered over the stair railing to find her sitting on my couch eating a heavily frosted sugar cookie. “Maddison, get off the couch with that cookie!” I hollered down the stairs. When I went down stairs I notice that the cookie plate, originally holding 3 frosted cookies now only held one, and that ONE looked as though a small animal had carefully eaten the frosting right of the top. Last I knew we didn’t own any gerbils so it had to be Maddie. And while tucking her in I found a half a cookie in her bed. This half cookie also looked like a gerbil ate the frosting. I wasn’t sure if the other half of the cookie had made it to Maddies belly or if it was sticking to her bed sheets or a wall some where else, but I was ready for bed myself. Between the poop finger painting and the frosting trail through the house I had enough for one day.

What to do with bad news?

What to do with bad news? I had to sit with a client the other day as she worked through some “bad” news. I often look at my own adversities and long to just wish them away. Often times when faced with our trials, there are questions of , “why and how did this happen.” We all have different experiences in this life, but one thing we are all familiar with is the common emotion of human pain. One thing I do appreciate about us as a human race is we come together in times of pain. I find the quote by Dean Nixon to be so true, “The common thread that binds all humanity together… is human pain.” Whether it be news of a terminal illness, divorce or the death of someone close, humanity seems to let all the details of our differences fall away in support of one another. I often think of that horrible day when I watched the twin towers collapse on my TV screen. I remember thinking, “Did that just happen? There is no way that just happened?” I remember wondering what such an event would do to our country. What I found to be amazing amidst such a tragedy was our ability to unify as a nation. It didn’t matter what race, religion or even what political party anyone was, we suddenly became simply “The United States”
You also see this type of reaction on a smaller scale. With the tragic events such as high school shootings or a classmate tragically killed in a car accident. All of a sudden the typical “clicks” dissolve and the student body will come together in support of those hurting. Or it may happen within a family when a loved one is diagnosed with cancer or someone experiencing some other tragedy. Scuffles and offenses between members fall to the wayside. That is when we get a glimpse of all we hang onto that is not even important. That is when humanity gets a glimpse of what really matters.
Even as a life coach it is hard to watch people bare their personal adversities. I don’t have a magical answer that just “wishes” it away for them. There are times I want to ask “why and how” for them, however I have grown to learn through my own adversities that there is gold to find in every heap of ash. And what that gold is varies person to person. And I could write whole blog itself on how to find the gold in our adversities and I probably will, but today I would challenge you, if you find nothing else, let your trials connect you to the human race. So often we cut our selves off from our loved ones, we shut down afraid to be vulnerable even in those safe moments with friends and family. Sometimes life will knock your feet right out from underneath you, and that is ok. It is ok to sit in the middle of this world and just cry. Just cry and let the hearts of humanity surround you in support. Because sometimes that is all there is to hang onto in the moment.

What do your kids say?

The other day Bo was having a non-compliant moment. I know it’s hard to imagine. But he had my phone in his hand and I asked him to give it to me. “No” was his response. Well, seeing that it was in the morning and I was still lying in bed just gaining consciousness myself, my patience had not quite woken up yet, and there for I just yanked it out of his hand as if I was his older sister rather than his mother. When I grabbed it out of his hand, the back of the phone slid off. “Bo!” I said with aggravation in my voice. Bo’s eyes got big, “Awwwwww! Now look what you LET me do.” He scolded. Needless to say his comment did lighten the mood. Kids crack me up. They say the funnies things. Now I would like to hear from you!

So please either comment on my blog or facebook or email me and share some of the things your kid has said to you. After about a week I will compile them all and post them as one big blog. I just love hearing from everyone, and I think this could be quite entertaining.