Power of the Mind

The power of the mind amazes me! Here is a story to demonstrate how strong it can be...
I was changing Bo's diaper in a hurry one day trying to get out the door. I tossed him into his car seat then I jumped into my seat. As I flipped the car into reverse I noticed a brown splotch on my hand. Ewwwww! I thought. "I have baby poo on my hand, I swear I washed them" I pulled my hand slowly to my nose and gave it a quick sniff. "Oh gross, totally smells like baby poo, I must have totally missed it." I unbuckled my belt getting ready to go in the house and re-wash them, when I recalled that I had loaded something in the back of my van and it was probably dirt from the door. We live on a dirt road and the back of my van is always covered in dirt. So once again I slowly pulled my hand to my nose to take one more sniff. Sure enough it smelled like dirt. Oh my gosh. My mind was so sure it was baby poo that I actually smelled poo, once I realized it was most likely dirt, then it smelled like dirt. How crazy!

Busy, busy, busy

Busy, busy, busy…that is all I can say. Two nights ago we had sandwiches for dinner, last night I through some chicken legs in the crock-pot and left the kids with Mike, tonight McDonalds, and tomorrow I am already planning on ordering pizza. Just no time to cook. A pretty good deal if you ask me, I feed the family and support local businesses doing so.

Today looked a lot like the Monday I had, only we added Kate’s yoga class to the mix, and Bo was very well behaved. What do ya know? He is really doing good these days. Naturally we still have our moments, he certainly is still his busy self, but he is listening a lot better now. The problem is the more behaved he gets, the more activities I get myself into. It seems I am just trading one kind of busy for another. The real dilemma is I think I have too many kids. Four kids, well three in school, so three kids with one activity a piece gives me 3 different commitments, and right now with wresting overlapping with soccer a bit, it is just plain in sane. But I gotta say it is fun getting involved the “older” kid activities. I just love the wrestling meets and the soccer games. Soon baseball and softball will start and I love those games too! Hot dogs and popcorn, mmm mmm good. Gotta love it, that’s for sure, otherwise spending 4 nights a week up at the school ball fields would be torture. Yet year after year there are a bunch of us insane parents getting all of our Jonnys and Suzies to their games. It is the time of year I think it would be easier to pitch a tent for the week and go home on Fri. But truth be told I do love it!

Before I sign off I did want to say the free style wrestling family is AWESOME! I don’t want to name any names without their permission, but I do want to say the coaches are so great with the kids. And the older kids are great supporters and mentors to the younger ones. It is a really good group of people and I am so grateful for the way they have welcomed us our first year. Looking forward to next year already.

What a day.

Ok, I am really tired and just ready to put my feet up for the night, so I am going to try and get all this out in one big breath. Huuuuuuuuuuuuuh. That was me breathing in case you didn’t know. Anyway, Huuuuuuuuuuuuh. Wake up late, pull Bo out of bed, dress him, throw a piece of raisin bread at him and toss him in the van, run back in the house twice for forgotten items, on the road, go to mops, leave mops early, go back to Springport, pick up the little munchkin I was babysitting today, Travis (3yrs), go to Belle tire, drop off van, walk to McDonalds with the 2 boys, only to find out there is no play land after I told them there was, sit down to eat, Travis has to pee, take a field trip to the bathroom, after Travis is done Bo decides he wants to try, which don’t get me wrong I was excited that he was interested but let’s face it, the public restroom isn’t exactly my ideal training ground, finally we eat lunch, go back to Belle tire, pick up Van, drive down to the McDonalds with the play land, let the boys play, then boys are thirsty, get drinks and cookies, Travis has to pee, another field trip to the bath room, let the boys play a little more, realize I need groceries while I am out, run to the store, finally head back to take Travis home, as I am unloading, Bo jumps in the front seat locks the doors, I pull him out, forget he has locked the door and slide the door shut, ugh, seriously, right now, right now before I have to go to coach soccer practice then take the kids to wrestling all without Michael, cause he is golfing tonight, yeah, right now I am locked out of my van. Ugh. Gonna need another breathe, Huuuuuuuuuuuuh. Take my friends van, get my keys, unlock my van, load kids, hit the road, speed up my driveway, kids pile out and get ready for sports, Josh and I unload groceries, make sandwiches to take for dinner, run out of the house hoping all the kids are in the van, get to soccer practice late, while at soccer Bo lays out whining right in front of the goal, drag him off the field, finish practice, throw some food at Timmy, and head to wrestling, send the boys up, the rest of us eat our sandwiches, and then chase Bo around the gym and up and down the stairs, wrestling gets out, take the kids home, hose the stinky boys down and send everyone to bed, clean up disaster in kitchen from making sandwiches at 90 miles an our, seriously my kitchen looked like the kitchen on the movie “overboard” the first day she made lunches. Whew. Now I am in my bed typing away getting ready to sign off for the day. Well, I got it all in with only two breathes, so Good night!

Blessings In Disguise

Anyone who has been reading is certainly aware of the craziness of my life, and those of you with children, well, you probably relate on a more personal note. Along with the craziness and my frustrations at times, I still look for the silver lining. And I hope as I keep making my way down this path of motherhood I continue to learn to soak up and live each moment. I want to laugh at the fun times, cry with the sad times, sigh at the endearing times, and even find the “silver lining” in those tough times. I want to breathe in life’s every moment, growing, learning, and loving each breath.

I want to see the growth and the fun in spilt milk at a wonder family dinner, or popcorn all over the floor from a fun family movie night, or blankets all over the living room from a tent built in laughter. I want to pay attention to the blessings of sticky doorknobs from sticky little hands, and muddy toes prints on my kitchen floor from muddy little feet. I want to laugh when my sock foot steps in water from a munchkin project gone awry.

These are all truly blessings. They are kid prints that I am fortunate to have around my house. They are what make my house full of life.

So yes, I do write of my frustrations. But no use crying over spilt milk, one the one who spilt it has the most adorable eyes in the world. Although I have to admit, a lot of times I cry first and laugh later. Sometimes it takes longer than others to catch the glimmer of that silver lining. But it is always there if I take the moment to look.

Why not trust myself?

I was talking with my Life coach tonight about various things on my long list…raising kids, marriage, my new career, ya know, the stuff we all deal with everyday. About half way through my rambling about parenthood he asked “why don’t you trust yourself right now.” I found it intriguing that he brought it up cause about four days ago that very line went right though my head. “Jamie you aren’t trusting yourself”, “You keep looking outside of yourself for someone to tell you good job, you’re on the right track, yes that is the answer, you would be great at that, go for it.” It is funny, cause since I have been through the seminars and learning the great, liberating and empowering information, I decided I want to be a risk taker. I want to be one of those people that says, let’s go for it even when people say I can’t. I want to make mistakes and learn from them. If you look at anyone who has made history they screwed up a heck of a lot to do great things. Edison took over 1,000 times to make a light bulb, but he didn’t see it as failure. When people looked at him as a failure he said, nope, now I know 1,000 ways not to make a light bulb. And Lincoln didn’t make it into office 6 times, and then finally gets elected as president and led us through the civil war. It is stories like that inspire me. And yet the very thing that made them so great is the very thing I am afraid of, and it is basically being willing to make mistakes and keep going til you get it. They chose to believe in themselves more than the people around them believed in them. As inspiring as it sounds, there are times I still let fearful thoughts hold me back. At times I fear I will be a bad mom and screw up my kids, at times I am tempted to withhold my ideas for fear of rejection. Sometimes I resist taking on new challenges for fear of failure. And then I remember the big picture and I can’t help but think…who cares. And in that moment, I get in touch with what really matters. And what matters to me most is that I enjoy every aspect of my life on earth and I pass that on to my kids. I want my kids to dare to be who they are and be proud of themselves. I want them to believe in themselves enough to know they can do anything in life they want to do. I want them to see possibilities more than the impossibilities. I want them to be proud of who they are no matter what anyone else thinks of them. And the only way I can truly teach this to my kids is to live it before them. Cause face it, our kids are smarter than we think. They don’t fall for that do as I say, not as I do any more than we did when we were kids!
So Dean says to add Value to the fear so that you will challenge it and overcome it. So the value is I value MY OWN liberation. And I value my kids enough to teach them to believe in themselves and trust their heart. I do this by me believing in me and trusting my heart. Trust my own discernment no matter the odds and no matter what anyone else thinks!

We are improving

We are improving. Bo hasn’t trucked off to my moms for some time now, but I looked out today and he and Ayden were headed across the yard. I hollered, “You, boys get back here or you will have to take a time out. You did not ask to go to Nonnies.” Now as most of you know, what usually follows is me hiking my self across the yard to catch the now sprinting kid and then carry the kicking, screaming 35lb toddler back to the house to put him in time out. But not today. Bo looked at me and said “ok” and started walking back to the house. I felt my knees buckle almost as if I were going to faint. I thought I was going to need to call 911. They were going to have to bring out the paddles and shock my heart out of it’s shock! Wow, we are making improvements. First I couldn’t keep the kid in time out and had to put him in the pack and play, but now he will sit in the time out chair (fake crying while in the chair, it is actually kind of funny, I have to make sure he doesn’t catch me giggling). Yeah! So there is hope. I do believe he is learning. So I encourage all you moms out there raising a kid who has more energy and more will power that you.:) Just be consistent and patient. And just keep loving them. It is a learning process. And the way I look at it. If they are a fighter now, just imagine how much they will be able to accomplish as an adult! They will be the one who pursues their dream even when someone told them NO. Naturally I will need you to remind me of this when I want to put Bo back on ebay. So I will probably be hearing from you tomorrow.

Seriously?

So, my question is how many times can a mom go to the store, with a list mind you, and come home still missing items needed. I am an avid list maker. My whole life is surrounded by lists. So you would think that I would be able to get everything I need in one trip, but no. I went to the store last Tuesday with a list to get me through 2 weeks so I wouldn’t have to go to the store with Ayden, except maybe for a couple of produce items. As you know I went to Sams AND Meijer yesterday. Then last night after the whole chaos of yesterday I realized Josh needed cleats. We ran in after Ayden woke up today, grabbed cleats at Payless and went to Walmart to get the items I thought of. I even had Josh make a list on the way there while I drove. I know, it sounds like I am really organized. Yeah, whatever. Anyway, once again I was in a store with 2 kids under 3 in my cart. I tell ya, when my life goes back to just Bo and me I am going to think he is so easy. We made our way through Walmart. I kept getting lured to the clearance racks where I saw shirts for 3 dollars and Josh kept dragging me away. Oh Man! Shirts for 3 dollars and I am here with a pile of kids. Oh well, I will just choose to believe they were probably really stupid shirts. Finally, headed home feeding the kids and myself crackers to hold us through dinner. It was such a beautiful day the kids played outside while I fixed dinner. It was during this process I realized I did not have black beans, which I am pretty sure is rather important when the meal is “black bean burritos.” Seriously, I have been to the store 3 times in the past seven days. Wait, actually 4, I had already stopped at rite aid today while picking up a prescription to grab milk, and a folder Josh needed. Oh forget it. I never want to go to the store again. Luckily my mom saved the day. She had black beans, and seeing that she is my neighbor, I was able to grab them before the water for my rice was boiling! At least there is a happy ending. Dinner was yummy!!!!!

Wow,what a day!

Wow what a day. Well, I can honestly say I figured out how to make four kids seem easy. Well, easier anyway. And the secret is to take on another kid younger than your youngest. Yeah, my sister asked me to watch him all day yesterday and today. And on top of that soccer started this week. And on top of that I dropped my cell phone in the toilet yesterday trying to empty the overflowing trash. Well I learned my lesson; I will be leaving that task to Josh from now on. So, anyway, I had to run into Jackson today to pick out a new phone. I loaded up the two munchkins and off we went. I decided to stop and Meijer and Sams while I was in there for some necessities that naturally didn’t seem soooo necessary after the deal was done. Nonetheless mission accomplished and home to put Ayden to bed. During his nap and Bo watching a movie, I finished up the laundry and started dinner cause I wasn’t going to be able to squeeze it anywhere else with the evening line up looking like this…3:00 pick up kids from school, 4:00 take Josh to soccer practice, 5:30 soccer meeting with Josh’s coach, 5:45 coach Timmy’s soccer practice during which Timmy put a headlock on one of the little girls, oh my gosh, seriously keep the wrestling on the mat kid, and then 6:15 cram lunchable down their throats for a snack, 6:30 drop boys off at wrestling and head home to feed the others dinner. Clean up from dinner, bathe Bo, and start bedtime routine, which I must say putting Bo to bed is like putting a 3 year old who just slammed 3 red bulls to bed. Seriously, what happened to the day of sitting and reading a book while the kid pointed at the pages so calmly sipping a drink? I need a sedative by the time we are done. This kid has no wind down time, he just go, go, goes and then crashes. And still sleeps like a tornado at that. I check on him at night and he will be sideways or upside down. I am surprised I haven’t found him hanging upside down from the top bunk sleeping like a bat. Then the boys get home from wrestling. They shower and I feed them dinner. Finally, all are in bed. Calgon take me away. I would love a hot bubble bath, but that would involve scrubbing my tub, and let’s face it, that isn’t happening tonight.

What are you hanging on to?

What are you hanging on to…

Me… I am hanging on to a little 2 piece, matching shorts and tank top camouflage out fit worn by my son Timmy when he was 3. When I put him in that outfit that morning I didn’t realize the irony of putting him in something that was used to be hidden.

It was a sunny day in June. The kids were out of school and we needed groceries. I remember preparing my kids for this trip. My fourth baby was just 2 months old. I wanted to be able shop successfully on my own. My mom had been watching them for previous trips, but I was ready to take on the job myself.

So I gave each kid a task. My oldest read the list and the other 2 put the items in the cart. I explained to them how we needed to work as a team, and they said they were ready!

They did awesome. They all did their jobs and helped me tremendously and we were able to finish the whole list. I gave a sigh of relief and felt such power from our accomplishment as we checked out. While the kids were waiting for the groceries to be bagged and put in the cart they stepped across the isle to play with the buttons on a vending machine. My 3 year old was hanging with his brother(7) and sister(6) pushing buttons. They were a few yards away but I kept watching them while loading to be sure they were all there. Finally I paid the cashier and was ready to go. Josh and Kate came to the sides of the cart and I said, “Where is Timmy?” They both looked around. I began scanning a bigger area wondering if he had wondered to another check out lane, but no Timmy. At this point I was a little nervous but not panicking. I thought in reality he was probably right there somewhere. But time kept ticking and soon I realized he was not right there.

Finally panic was setting in. I remember telling the workers that I was beginning to panic and I needed to find my son before I started to lose it.

“I need to find my son, please, shut your doors I need to find my son.” I kept saying
“Ok ma'am. What is he wearing,” a worker responded

“Umm I don’t know,” I stammered, “Oh dang it, I don’t remem…Wait he is wearing camouflage. I need to find him please, please shut your doors. I need my son,” I said pleadingly. I remember pleading with God, “please God, please bring him to me. This is one of those things I CAN’T handle. Please, don’t let this happen.”

“Ok ma’am. How old is he?” the worker asked
As I said the words out loud it only made me even more aware of how fragile he was.
“He is 3 I said.” And then I screamed ... “He is only 3. I need to find my son. Please, shut your doors. Lock your damn doors. As time kept passing I began to feel like one of those people in the movies. People’s voices around me sounded like far off echoes. I remember hearing the words “We have a code…” but didn’t hear what kind of code it was. I just remember thinking, oh God we have a code. This is really happening it is not a dream and we have a code. I could see people staring at me but I didn’t care. I could see my other two kids standing by the cart staring. I remember thinking of the trauma I must be causing them but couldn’t stop. I had no ability to be calm. I just knew I wouldn’t leave them standing there alone. I just kept yelling for the workers of Meier’s to “ Shut the damn doors” I kept screaming, begging and pleading with tears pouring down my face, “Please, I need my son, please shut your doors.”

“Ma’am, we are doing everything we can”, the lady told me.

I said, “ no your not, you could lock your doors so someone can’t take him out.

Then there was a point in my mind that I tried reconcile that he was gone. I wondered how I would survive this torture of wondering where he was and what he was going through. And as my mind started to fade to a very dark quiet place of hopelessness, off in the distance I heard them say we found him. Here he is. He is right here. My knees buckled and I hit the floor. They walked him up to me and I just looked into his sweet eyes as he looked at me with a questioning yet concerned look. He was quiet. He could sense the seriousness of the situation, but was confused about my state of mind. He was unaware of the danger he could have been in. He walked up to me and put his arms around my neck and hugged me. I can still feel his little arms around my neck. I can feel his hair on my cheek. I just cried for a moment with him in my arms. And my other to kids joined our embrace.

We made our way to the parking lot. I climbed in my van and sobbed.

That night when I tucked him in I kissed his cheek thanking God that I could.

I never put him in that outfit again. In fact he received a pair of camouflage shorts as a gift and it took me till the end of the summer to let him wear them. I think he only wore them once before it was to cold to wear shorts anymore. I shared with Dean that I still had the outfit, which I hadn’t told anyone. He said to me “ You know that won’t keep it from ever happening” I know it sound silly to think, but there is a part of me that feels like hanging on to those clothes is going to keep me in control. Somehow keep me from making a mistake and losing him. Like hanging on to my biggest fear and biggest mistake will keep it from happening again. When he said that I could feel the fake sense of control slip through my fingertips. The wave of fear, sadness and pain flooded over me. I could see the truth to his statement. No, it won’t, but to be honest I am not ready to let it go. I told Dean I wasn’t sure if or when I would throw them out. He said, “you will when you are ready” And for now I just have to leave it at that.

So what are you hanging on to? Is it a pair of clothes, a book, a letter, or some sort of trinket that reminds you of a dark time in your life that you feel guilty about or afraid of? Something you hang on to remind yourself to NEVER let it happen again. Something you hang on to symbolizing a divorce you are not willing to let go.

Sometimes it is great to hang on to things to remember. The question is are you hanging on in Love or Fear.

To this day I have to make a conscious choice to put my kids in the hands of my maker. It is only my faith that keeps the panic from running my life. I tell ya, this parenthood stuff is the most amazing, rewarding job, but it is also the hardest job I will ever have.

Spring Break

Well, as you may have guessed by the lack of posts, things have been busy. Spring break has been great. My kids were amazing this week. The older 3 were very helpful with Bo, and we only had a couple of feuds this week. So I am proud to say after a week home with all four kids, nobody is for sale on ebay. Pretty cool. Even Bo himself seemed more grown up this week. So I will just recap the week for ya. I kept working on the spring-cleaning. I got all the kids clothes sorted and changed over for summer. I also got the winter gear put away, and swept out the mudroom. Which, oh my gosh, I think had 5 pounds of dirt in it. We also power washed the garage. I was glad to see it was still concrete under all that dirt. Now if I can just get to my ceiling fan, and the windows I will be set for another five years!

I would say the biggest news of the week is I went blond. Oh, about 8 months ago my sis and I decided to try and save some money, yet still have the fun of highlights. Until then I had mostly experimented with the box color for fun. So one day with a roll of aluminum foil, a bleach packet and an old carpenters pencil, my sister elected to be a guinea pig. Surprisingly enough, it was a fairly successful venture. Well, I decided to be a little extra adventurous this time and go lighter than I ever have. The whole process is always quite and adventure. I mean when it really comes down to it neither one of us knows what we are doing. Our foil jobs look a lot crazier than the ones in the salon, if you can imagine that. I swear we have had communication with life in outer space from all the reception we get from all the metal sticking out of our head. And when the person applying the bleach to your head says, “whoops, uh oh,” yeah, not a good feeling. And then the waiting time while the bleach pulls the color, FOREVER! The whole time we are sitting there waiting, we are hoping our hair doesn’t turn hot pink or just plain fall right out of our heads. Seriously, when I look at what we do with NO experience I can’t help but think we must have breathed in too much bleach and it is affecting the “common sense” part of our brain. Yet we keep doing it over and over again. I am sure some day it will all get old and I will go back to my original hair color, whatever that is. ha,ha

Lost and found

Today my daughter informed me that there was a DVD in the VCR. Yes, we have one remaining VCR. It is one of those units where the VCR and DVD player are one. I went to retrieve the DVD but it is stuck. When I pop the flap up it pulls the DVD up with it so I can’t get it out. I am thinking REALLY, a DVD in my dinosaur VCR. Well I must admit I have found worse things. Our list of lost and found goes something like this… puzzle pieces in VCR, grilled cheese in the VCR, peanut butter and jelly sandwich in the vacuum cleaner hose, (hey at least they liked to help clean right?!). Hummm, let’s see there was a dirty diaper in the trunk of a ride toy, a toy cow in the fridge, this I am sure was Josh’s way of cooling the milk ahead of time. And if you are ever hungry, there is always under the couch cushion for some snacks. I know there is more, but I can’t recall them all!

I must say when I look back at the crazy things my kids do I am truly thankful for PB&J in my VCR. It is funny stories like these that we will hold on to as parents and talk about for the rest of our lives. I am blessed to have a life so "crazy".

I would love to hear yours!!!

One slice or two?

So what “technically” is a slice of cake?

Well my sister found this cake recipe online that is the ooiest, gooiest cake I have ever been able to “home make.” This cake is like at the expensive restaurants. We have made it on a couple occasions now and I gotta tell ya the batter is just as good as the cake. So naturally while beating the cake, preheating the oven, scraping batter into the pan, and while the pan sits on the counter waiting for the over to finish preheating (yeah, I never remember to do that before I start the cake, that is just planning way to far ahead, I usually remember about ¾ of the way through) So anyway, the batter is literally coming out by the spoonfuls and I am licking the beaters like I was five. Yummm. I can still see my sister with the bowl sitting on her big pregnant belly as she used the pampered chef spatula to scrape the last drop of batter and give her baby and great sugar rush. I am positive if we were to measure the amount of batter we consumed it would equal at least a slice or more for each of us. So my question is do I have to count that as a slice. If so I technically had 21/2 slices. But I prefer to say that the uncooked portion stays off record. Seriously, it is the best chocolate cake ever, if you want the recipe, let me know!

Hey, it wasn't a dream.

The other day I let my son Josh read my blog titled, “Perfect Day.” It was so funny, he kept saying “when did that happen?” And then when we got to the end and my alarm started beeping he started cracking up and said, “I didn’t think that sounded like us.”

Well, today I dropped the kids off at the end of our driveway and went next door to my moms to pick something up. I was there for probably 20 min. When Bo and I returned home I walked in the door and the table was set, chili served in the bowls, napkins and crackers all dispersed. I said “what in the world” and the kids popped out from behind the counter saying beep, beep, beep. It was so funny that they were trying to imitate the alarm clock from the “perfect day” dream.

How cute. Maybe I should write some more perfect day scenarios and let the kids read them. This time I will include doing the laundry, and mopping the floor. Oh maybe I should include cleaning the dust off the fans. Hmmmm. That probably wouldn’t go so well. I really don’t want to add a trip to the ER to by blog anytime soon.